Descent of the Child-Woman

Lindsay Lohan

The transition from childhood to adulthood is an awkward and often difficult journey. I have many patients who are young adults still grappling with issues from their childhood and not quite prepared to handle the stress of the "real world" yet. They need a lot of attention, mentoring and love to help them through this period. I do not like to take up such cases unless I am sure I can dedicate enough time to it. Which is why, when Lindsay Lohan's camp wanted to arrange a meeting, I kept declining. From what I hear that poor girl has a host of issues and a fly-by meeting would hardly make a difference. But the requests didn't stop and finally I gave in on the condition that it would just be an informal talk over lunch.

She walked in looking like a under-nourished, slightly unkempt rag doll. Her skin looked sun-damaged and blotchy and her hair extensions lay limp over her frail shoulders. Her green eyes had a glazed look and the smile she gave me was so brief I realized immediately, Lindsay hadn't wanted this meeting - she had probably been cajoled into having it. Before I could say anything, she started out in her signature raspy voice " I don't think I have a problem that you can help me with. I've been through enough rehab and counselling and probations (this rolling her eyes). I have my life under control now and don't really feel like sitting through a lecture."  With this she crossed her hands and legs and sat looking at me defiantly. It was clear Lindsay was in a defensive, closed frame of mind and I was tempted to let her have her wish and walk away.

I looked at her - glimpses of the cute child star she once was still showed on her now blank, expressionless face. "Yes Lindsay, you don't really have any problems. You mind telling me why you're trying so hard to convince the world otherwise." The tactic worked. Her face twisted in anger and she leaned forward and began to hurl words at me - the girl who didn't seem interested in engaging in any conversation started rattling off a laundry list of issues she had, how people in her life had failed her - parents she trusted, boys she loved, girl she loved; projects she should have had, the brilliant career that should have been hers, the endorsements that should have been hers. She talked for a long time and when she was done sat looking at me with a challenging expression - like she expected me to apologize for not understanding how much she had endured and how she had persevered through all the tough times in her past.

Lindsay let me ask you something - from the time you woke up this morning upto this hour, what have you eaten? How many cigarettes have you smoked? Have you had something, lets say, more potent than nicotine today? How much time would you say you spent today - exercising or grooming yourself? How much time have you put in to better your career prospects today ? What have you read since morning? What is the one good thing you did for someone else today? She opened her mouth to say something and then decided against it. I pressed on with what I hoped would penetrate through the darkness enveloping this fragile soul.

Love is the most difficult and untamable emotion. It is inherent in all of us, yet it defies logic and requires so much hardwork. Our body and mind are the most invaluable possessions we have and yet so many of us find it genuinely difficult to love and care for it. By neglecting your body, denying it good wholesome food,  trying to destroy it through drug and alcohol, not exercising, not paying attention to its needs you have proven to yourself that it is so much easier to abandon and ignore a precious gift rather than put in the effort and dedication it deserves. You're a grown woman now Lindsay and for all the blame you'd like to pin on the world for letting you down, you now have to look inwards and take responsibility for how you have let yourself down. Think for a moment how much time, dedication, blood and sweat you will have to put in  if you decided this minute that you want to turn your whole life around? Does it seem like a daunting task? Does it seem easier to ignore these problems and go chasing after someone else seeking their love and approval instead.  Now what if I told you the only thing you needed to get through this low patch was - LOVE. Love for yourself - that was all the fuel you needed to navigate this uphill road. Do you think you would be able to garner enough love within you to get the job done? Its not easy is it? Love is an inspired emotion, some bio-chemical wondrous rush that erupts and dies out of its own will. We can't command ourselves to love even our own self - it is something that has to be felt from deep within. How then, can we command this emotion from somebody else. How can we take it as our right and demand that people love us and continue to love us the way we want them to?

The important thing is to not feel like a victim. There are millions of orphans in this world who never knew what having a family was - even a broken, dysfunctional one. People everywhere have failing marriages and relationships. Some of the most promising careers have failed even before they took off. Look at it in perspective and you'll see you're not a victim, you're just another person facing regular challenges. The only difference is you're in a glass bowl, with the world watching you. Use this platform, not to make a spectacle of yourself, but to show them how its done right. Inspire your young fans by achieving your true potential. Love Lindsay and take good care of her - for she's the only one that truly matters.....

Lindsay walked out without a word. I never saw her again. Even so, I still have faith in this child-woman - she will find her step eventually. We all do.

Tattoo Monster

I hadn't thought much of my little exchange with Ryan Seacrest - until the phone calls started coming in! Somehow the word had spread within the elite Hollywood community and the portal to the stars had opened up. All sortsa people I had only ever seen on TV were calling in to schedule a meeting with me. Was I turning into Hollywood's agony aunt? I decided I'd ride this ride while it lasted. I frequented LA a lot more and I was in LA again waiting in a cafe to meet one of my new 'clients' sipping on herbal tea (how Hollywood changes you)...

From what I'd read and heard of him in the tabloids and on tv - I was prepared to dislike him. I had to remind myself that my profession required that I remain unbiased. He walked in through the door and quite literally the hair on my arms stood up. He was wearing a white Harley Davidson tshirt and lose blue jeans and a blue cap - the art on his arms was jumping out at me and everything about him screamed - MAN!!! I waved over to him and he pulled up the chair next to me and sat down like he owned the place. Everything about him was so self-assured, so relaxed - he was like a smooth panther settling in his lair. Testosterone was oozing from this man and when he opened his mouth I expected to hear a gruff, loud voice. Instead I heard a soft, supressed "Hello, I am Jesse James."

Jesse James

After exchanging pleasantaries and talking about random stuff for ten minutes, Jesse still hadn't opened up to me about why he wanted this meeting. Maybe he was nervous - I thought I'd urge him on. "So tell me Jesse, what did you want to talk to me about - does it have anything to do with what transpired in your marriage?" His body tensed - "No I do not want to talk about her or all the stupid things I did. I've already wrung that towel dry" What was it I saw in those steel grey eyes...hurt, anger, shame...regret! Somehow that touched me. Part of me expected him to be nonchalant about it. Treat it like it was no big deal - that it was in past and over and done with. That Jesse was still emotionally affected by it softened me towards him. I urged on - "Ok so how can I help you today, Jesse?"

Jesse's current nagging worry was his present relation. After the self-sabotaging breakdown of his previous marriage he wondered if marriage was even the right track for him. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy...maybe I'm my worst enemy". I shared my analysis - before you can move forward with a new relation, you need to examine the past one - you need to recollect all of it - the good, the bad , the ugly - what you did right and why you had missteps. You're a man's man Jesse - you ride fast bikes, you're a tatooed bad ass, once married to a porn star - everything about you screams strong, independent, bad boy, rock star! You have to ask yourself how marriage to a very famous celebrity, america's sweetheart - a bright, beautiful, no-drama, lady of class made you feel. Sure you felt like the luckiest man when she decided to be your wife - but did mariage to her also make you feel "tamed" and "domisticated"? Did it feel like in being Sandra Bullock's husband, in getting your life in order, in smoothing over all the previous drama and leading a "normal" life you were losing the Jesse James you once were? When a man is used to living on the edge, getting a rush doing dangerous things-  he craves that excitement. When everything in life is going great and wonderfully normal - is it leaving you antsy - do you crave to be on the edge again. Alert and alive!

I am a firm believer that humans were not designed for monogamy. Their DNA is not programmed to be with only one partner for their whole entire life. And yet we all subscribe to the notion of marriage. Heck even the world's best known playboy - Hugh Hefner - has explored that minefield more than once! Why do we go for it? what is it that marriage offers that we dare to attempt it over and over again, in the hopes of getting it right? You have to ask yourself what you are looking for in a marriage and share your thoughts with your potential mate. No one says you need to stick to someone else's notion of marriage - if we can fight to change the very foundations of marriage - that it need not be only between a man and a woman - why can't we change the parameters & boundaries of marriage. Your marriage should be you playing out your partner's and your idea of the marriage. And remember the length of a relationship is not a measure of its success. Just be clear, have rules, make commitments and when you take the vows stick with it. And when you think you can no longer play within the boundaries - that's probably the time to call it quits. The idea that you can have your cake and eat it too, by cheating inside a marriage is deceptive and disrespectful and that is what causes the most grief and guilt.

Jesse was nodding a lot and talked a lot more about his feelings and by the end of our session seemed relieved and freer - like a weight had lifted off his droopy shoulders. We parted ways - not before I got a bear hug from this macho man. Ummmmm, its not hard to imagine why Jesse gets his women. I only hope I helped him get himself a little better today...

It happened one flight...

I live in a sleepy town in Virginia, close to the Dulles airport. I like to think of my profession as a noble one, considering I provide nurturing and guidance to people in desperate need of help. I am a shrink - my job is to listen to people talk and help them figure themselves out. Most days I am surrounded by tragedy - sad tales of abuse and neglect, guilt and jealousy, separation and anxiety pouring out of the depths of tortured souls. I try to disassociate myself from it - but humans are born empathetic and tend to get affected by their surroundings. That summer I felt like the cup of sorrow definitely runneth over and I desperately needed to get away from it all. I planned a vacation to LA. It was a solo trip - since I felt like I needed to clear my head and it was to Los Angeles since I felt the land of movie stars, glamor and opulence would lift my spirits somehow. Shallow - I know - but its the best I could come up with. A soul searching trip to Bali wouldn't fit into the calendar!

It was there at the airport, waiting for the flight to LA, that I first saw him. Waiting for a commercial flight like a mere mortal was Ryan Seacrest. Here I thought celebs only flew in their own private jets. Bad economy was taking the toll on everyone I guess. He looked visibly uncomfortable and stiff ; wearing oversized shades to cover half his face. He wasn't very tall but had an aura about him. The one most celebrities carry where they seem to be trying to underplay their stardom - and yet somehow stand out even more so because of it. People were approaching him with magazines and newspapers trying to get autographs - he was turning them all down. Someone wanted Seacrest to pose with her for a picture but he wouldn't oblige. And then people resorted to just whipping out their phones and taking pictures of this trapped creature. His discomfort was mounting - he kept shifting in his seat. I felt a teeny bit bad for him but got over it quickly. For all your protests Mr. Seacrest this fan following is what you yearned for - this was your motivation to begin way back when - was it not? Well atleast that's my theory and I'm sticking with it. Mildly annoyed, for some unknown reason, I turned the other way and continued sipping on my tall caramel macchiato, extra hot.

The plane was supposedly flying full and people were getting upgrades which made me feel like a fool for purchasing a first class ticket ( told you this was me taking a luxury break) when someone with corporate frequent flier miles gets a free upgrade. Well long & short of it - guess who I ended up being seated next to - YUP you guessed it right - none other than  'Foul Mood' Seacrest!! And if Mr. Seacrest wanted it any other way he was fresh out of luck coz the flight was full. So for the next 5 and half hours or so Ryan and I were gonna be travel buddies - Oh joy :(

The packed flight, my travel buddy's attitude, which I perceived as arrogance (not acknowledging my presence buried in his phone updating facebook or twitter or some other social forum), the giggly flirtatious flight attendant who I could swear was wishing she could use me as a cushion so she could sit right next to popular Mr. Seacrest were all annoying me until it hit me - this surface level superficiality and annoyance was what I was hoping would help me recover. That's the reason I was travelling to the land of Botox and Beverly hills - to just surround myself with "normal" issues for a while. My vacation just took off to the best start....

Ryan Seacrest

I relaxed into my seat and turned over to get a closer look at him. He wore khakis and a brown sweater over a crisp white shirt, smelt like a concoction of cologne and mint. I could see the smooth texture of his cheek ( hmm.. so this is what a fake tan looks like), I wished he'd take off his glasses - I always like to look into patients' eyes when they talk - very revealing. I wondered what secrets Seacrest held behind those dark glasses. He must have sensed me looking at him and turned over towards the window shielding his precious phone and tanned cheek away from me. I wish I'd kept a book in my handbag. I had wanted to save the reading for later - bad move!! I tried the next best thing - sleep. In the midst of my snoozing I could hear the sound of shuffling and tapping feet and in my half sleepy state I instinctively reached out to stop that annoying leg from moving and hissed "Stop that - what's bothering you?" No sooner had I realized what I'd done I was staring into the shocked eyes of Seacrest. For a moment we both stared at each other in silence ( my hands still holding on to the area above his knee where I'd try to stop the leg from shaking) and then he broke into a laugh revealing a perfect set of white teeth.  I jerked my hand back and that's how the conversation started -with me apologizing and him interrupting with "What made you think something was bothering me".  I told him what I did for a living, how it was something that occurred to me instinctively perhaps. I thought that would be the end of our exchange but instead he surprised me by asking more questions - what sort of patients did I have, what kind of problems did I deal with, did I think I could help someone with no real problems. Finally I asked him - is there something you'd like to talk about Ryan. We still have four long hours and I won't even charge you. He hesitated for a minute, then laughed again - " I really don't have any problems for a shrink to analyze. Just been curious of how the process works". Well then, let's discuss your non-problems and I'll demonstrate what talking to a shrink is all about.

He seemed to consider it and then turned himself towards me. And best of all he took off his glasses to reveal hazel eyes that held a twinkle of amusement. OK, he said - how do we do this. Ok, I said - why don't you start by telling me about your fears. It could be something small and trivial or something that's really a big scary deal for you. He took a deep breath and with a long drawn out sigh said "I'm afraid of losing it all". "Would you like to explain that. What is it that you're afraid of losing?" Ryan went on to talk about how he had started very young, how his ambition and drive had helped him survive tough days and long nights, how he had to morph himself from an ordinary, every day, average guy to something special - something people wanted to hear and watch. How he was afraid to turn down any opportunity for fear that his loss would open the doors for an "unknown" to get a foot in the door. What if somebody comes in and steals the show - what if the unknown becomes the next best thing. What if nobody wants Ryan Seacrest anymore."I have worked very hard to get here, and the fear of losing it is very real. It keeps me going, it keeps me fighting but it also wears me down sometimes. I feel like the hardest working man in the industry and guilty that my friends and family sometimes bear the brunt of it." Without going into the back and forth of it, the realization that I tried to bring to him was that change is inevitable. What is hot today may not be so hot tomorrow. But somethings are a classic... Larry King is a classic...people tuned in to watch him decades ago...still do (Larry hadn't retired yet)..if you so desired you could have an ever lasting career too. The point was to decide what you wanted from life. You are only one man and your ambitions have to match it. In this life, in this career every new turn is a challenge and no matter which new face or fad comes along as long as you trust your self you will thrive, not just survive. He seemed a lot more relaxed...I'd hoped I had been able to help him. Shortly thereafter the plane landed, he took my business card, gave me a lil' hug and said "Thank you, we'll talk again" - and with that walked out of the plane and disappeared into the crowd.....